If real life was like the world we see in commercials

It was an amazing party and everyone was dancing… I mean, everyone. There wasn't a goofy guy or a clumsy drunk girl to be seen even though everyone was drinking crap beer. But that watery beer was the most amazing beverage anyone had ever consumed -- it was better than Ecstasy… hell, it probably WAS Ecstasy from the way everyone was so incredibly happy and getting along.

Of course, no one drove home drunk after the party. There was a sober guy who made sure all the slightly intoxicated people got into cabs. But the sober guy had a fantastic sports car and he drove it at 90 miles an hour on deserted streets power sliding and drifting around corners with the precision that you would think would be reserved for race car drivers, except anyone who owns that kind of car can drive like that, including the beautiful woman who came out of nowhere in a cherry red version and showed him how it's really done.

She had flawless makeup -- and while she was wearing a lot of makeup, it didn't look slutty. Even the tight dress that allowed her curves to defy gravity somehow still made her just look wealthy and sensual, not like a street walker.

And her hair… It flowed and bounced as she talked (she moves her head a lot when she talks, even as she keeps steady eye-contact). But even as it moved with her graceful head tilts, it never got out of place.

While she didn't have a tag sticking out of her collar (or a flake of dandruff, for that matter), all her clothes all seemed to come from the same major label. As a matter of fact all her friends wore the same major label, and they were all just as beautiful and slim as her. She has very multicultural friends, although her black and latina friends are built just like her, and they aren't culturally threatening at all.

Of course, she also has a 'plus size' friend, who is beautiful and happy. She stays happy by visiting her physician and asking about a new mood enhancing drug. Her doctor has plenty of time to sit down with her in his large, well decorated office and talk with her at length about the drug and possible side effects. He's conversational, but manages to hit every possible issue she might face with the drug.

Her mood improves enough she's able to go to the park and push her child on the swing -- you would think there would be a line for pushing your child on the swing because, well, every parent takes their child to the park and pushes him or her on the swing. But the park is always just populated enough to feel like there are people having a good time, but never crowded.

Her kids are, like all kids, much smarter than her about everything, and they always find the right witty comment to correct their mom's obvious lacking of understanding of how things work -- which just makes her love them that much more.

Dinnertime is always easy for the suburban mom because the food tells her that it wants to be eaten and even puts itself in the pan and cooks itself. She probably doesn't need the enormous kitchen, and from the looks of it, she never actually uses it -- never a dirty dish or a mess. And if there was a mess, it just cleans up in a jiffy by putting the pan in water…

When dinner isn't anthropomorphic foodstuffs, it's McDonalds, where thin, healthy people enjoy conversation in the clean, open floor plan of the dining area. What's great about McDonalds (aside from the sheer joy eating the food gives you), is the friendly, happy staff that brings your order right to your table.

Then it's home to bed where the man of the house showers, shaves and becomes irresistible to his extremely hot woman -- they then retire to the claw foot bathtubs they have out back where the yard overlooks a national park.

Ah… life in commercials is so sweet… But that's probably the high-fructose corn syrup talking…